Bittersweet

It seems like the general consensus around the new year is that it is bittersweet. It evokes similar emotions to those of birthdays. Like birthdays, the new year is a poignant reminder of the passage of time.

My last New Year's was characterized by a particularly striking realization of just how precious time is. The awareness that life in this world is finite, existence limited, usually resides in our preconscious, but when surfaced, is painfully unnerving.

The passage of time is so vehemently uncomfortable for us as it directly opposes the human ultimate desire for control. Of course, this craving is replenished again with the clichés of resolutions. These promises to oneself are so addicting as they feed into our yearning for control. Time and time again, however, the results are unsatisfactory. This is because of the illusion known as the arrival fallacy: the idea that when we arrive at a goal, we will experience everlasting and unconditional happiness. This idea is essentially incorrect. Although ambition, aspiration, and purpose are part of human nature, happiness is not a function of the meaningless goals we achieve.

I was driving to get myself coffee the other day and found myself quite disoriented. I do not feel 17, old enough to drive a car. In fact, I feel like I never made it past 13. This could be in part because of the pandemic that paused life for a while, or spending an increasing amount of time through a phone screen, but I have come to believe that it is mostly because I, like so many others, have made the mistake of living mostly in the future and partly in the past. Living truly in the present is such a rarity that life passes by aimlessly with the seasons.

It might come as a surprise that I do indeed have resolutions for myself this year, but they are a broad continuation of running hopes I have always had for myself. These include confidence, spontaneity, and developing deeper relationships with people. I hope to continue to grow a sense of worthiness: confidence in myself, in the classroom, in social contexts, and beyond. Alongside living in the moment, I hope to find the ability to pivot away from my attachment to consistency and routine every once in a while and enjoy the indulgence in impulses without premeditation. Along with the knowledge that people are not in our lives forever, I hope to nurture my relationships with the people that I love and feel gratitude toward every moment I have with them.

Do I think you should drink more water this new year? Absolutely. Do I think you should read more books and head to the gym more often? If it brings you peace, then of course. Will I be giving up coffee this new year? Nope. When these assurances become self-deprecating, they lose the intent behind them. I am still healing from wishes that I made for myself that lacked healthy intentions in the past. I strongly recommend setting meaningful intentions alongside every goal you have for yourself.

Maybe you did not even expect to make it to this year, and if you did, that is enough an accomplishment than any other trivial marker of achievement. If no one has told you yet, then I am glad to be the first to explicitly say that I am proud of you. I am proud of you for continuing, even in the uncertainty and lack of control.

Happy holidays my readers,

El.