Airplanes

I do not remember my first time ever going on an airplane, but I do remember loving them. I remember having this infatuation with the idea of being enclosed with other humans from other places all flying in the sky just to get somewhere else. As I grew a bit older, however, I developed a certain anxiety around planes. I am not sure where it stemmed from or its origin at all, but when I would get on an airplane I would receive a rush of adrenaline filled with fear rather than the excitement it used to come with. I tolerated plane rides, but I did dread them for awhile.

I am currently over that temporary fear, but from time to time I do still feel a brief anxious feeling trying to creep its way into my gut when I fasten my seatbelt preparing for takeoff. I find myself nervously trying to push the feeling away and ignore it completely in an attempt to smother that anxious segment of my life. I have found that the smothering strategy actually makes the anxiety grow far worse than it would if I just allow myself to acknowledge the brief feeling and let it pass.

Recently, I have gained the courage to revisit some of my old journal entries from a time where I was most lost in my life. For awhile, I tucked those pages of thoughts away in hopes to never open up that part of my life again, similar to the smothering technique I used with airplanes. However, I found that when I felt ready to dissect the words of my past self it was actually pretty insightful.

This solidified to me an idea that I heard on one of my favorite podcasts, the idea that you can not exist as this version of yourself without every other previous version of yourself. It is common for someone who is healing to constantly question their past self: Why did I feel this way? Why did I go through that? Why was I like that? We often wish that we can change the past. The truth is, you felt what you felt then so that you could feel what you feel now. If you had not gone through all that, you would not know everything you know now. You would not be who you are right now. Stop worrying about changing the past, where you were then is exactly where you were supposed to be and where you are now is exactly where you are supposed to be. It is these experiences that are going to put you exactly where you need to be in the future.

In short, there are things in life we can and cannot control. No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety will change the future. What we can do is be present, be here, be now. Accept your past self, honor your future self, and cherish your present self.

I looked out the window the other day on the descent of my short plane ride home from Florida. I noticed the wary feeling in the pit of my stomach and I acknowledged the increase in my heart rate, but I also observed how beautiful the sky was, being that it was the birth of the sunset and the sun's golden glow seeped through the window next to me. Well, it certainly would have been that poetic if it was not for the shrieking baby in the seat next to me, but that is besides the point. The point is, I had the ability to acknowledge the feelings of my past self while still indulging in the feelings of my present self. My past does not taint my admiration of airplanes, I still love them.

That is all for today happy spring break to all my readers out there.

Love, El.