Locker Room Talk

“Technology, specifically the internet, has expanded in quantity, enhanced in quality, and amplified in functionality over the past two decades (Bashir, 2017).” This was the opening line of my CCIR research paper on the impact of social media on adolescent mental health and wellbeing, ironically. “The past year has prompted epidemiological studies focusing on the correlation between screen viewing, specifically that of social networking, and mental and behavioral disorders.” I went on to explore how this pertains to socialization and interpersonal relationships, but the overarching theme prevails and proves everyday more personal. I think we can all agree social media can be a simultaneous boost and deterrent to our sense of wellbeing, provided the nature of its use. 

This paper was brought to my attention the other day when I discovered my name in a group chat. Despite my knowledge of ignorance being bliss, I couldn’t resist scrolling through the messages. It would be an understatement to call what was said about me in this large group chat disheartening. Externally, I was just caught repeatedly in the crossfire of mere locker room talk, harmless banter that was never assumed to leave the confines of the group chat walls or be seen by eyes aside from those belonging to the members of it. Nevertheless, I felt my heart weigh heavy and sink to my toes. 

I am 18 years old now, a high school graduate headed to college soon, on the brink of adulthood. But I felt sick. I felt a visceral sickness for the 15 year old Ella who was being talked about in such a manner, a much more fragile version of myself, who I fear if she saw what was said then might not have made it this far. If she had seen these remarks, all her insecurities and paranoia would be validated, and she would lose all resilience she had worked so hard to build. The idea that any girl, any age should have to endure such scrutiny or witness herself being spoken about in this way repulsed me much further, and is why I feel obliged to write about it. 

Why people feel compelled to speak of others, especially those who have never wronged them, with such cruelty is beyond me, and certainly not my place to explore or try to make sense of. I do know, however, that instances like this can attempt to taint our belief of a universal human beauty, or decency for that matter, but it is precisely in these moments of uncertainty that we must seek perspective. Everyone is on their own unique journey, and as cliche as it sounds their judgements are solely a reflection of themselves that have no true bearing on us. Unkind words are after all just that - unkind words. 

Something about a bunch of boys picking apart a girl’s appearance is so unfortunately unoriginal, but it appears we tragically fall short every time. And so to any girl feeling isolated by a similar situation, you are not even remotely alone. And to younger Ella, I wish you could know just how beautiful you are and see all you have to offer this world. 

Love you more than you know,

El.