Mindfulness

The other day I fell into an especially toxic thought pattern. This feeling is hard to explain in words, but it was one of those days that felt never-ending; I felt continuous struggle and intense dread. There was so much noise in my head I began to feel not only mentally uncomfortable but physically as well, as though I was stuck inside a body I wanted to leave. I allowed myself to believe that this harmful state of mind I was enduring defined who I was, that this was my life and I would never be able to change it.

Part of me was in complete and utter dysfunction and panic. Another part of me knew I had to distract myself in order to escape. This made me realize there must be two versions of myself, the subconscious thinker and the conscious observer. The “thinker” exuded the disordered thoughts while the “observer” was able to maintain some sense of reason. The irrational and rational parts of me were in conflict with each other, fighting for control of myself.

When my brain finally began to calm down from its panicked state, I began to recall a time I felt like this in the past and someone I trusted encouraged me to clear my head with an engaged activity. I turned to surfing, which almost instantly quieted my loud mind. From this recollection, the rational part of me then forced myself to get up from the curled up ball I felt paralyzed in and find a distraction. I went outside and forced myself to walk until my mind felt quiet again.

The more time that passed on my walk, the more silent my mind became. As my mind quieted, I was able to observe my surroundings. I heard the birds chirping, I smelt the salty bay air, and I saw a few children playing in the street. I cannot express how grounding this moment was for me. I was highly alert and aware, but I was not thinking - like gaps in my stream of mind. I felt a powerful sense of presence. This walk lasted for about two hours. A little excessive I know, but I needed this “distraction” to help me grasp inner peace.

I tell this story, because although you might not have experienced a state of discomfort this acute, you may find yourself consumed with a certain thought pattern as well. Maybe this thought pattern revolves around some sort of insecurity like mine does. You might also find yourself questioning whether life is even possible without being this way. I realize this all comes down to mindfulness. Mindfulness is the only true medium for inner peace, the catalyst of change. What I have taken the time to realize is, this inner peace that I am able to grasp at times is what “life” truly is. The disordered thoughts are the real “distractions” from my life. The sense of presence that comes from mindfulness allows us to actually live our lives.

Eckhart Tole in his bestselling novel has an interesting take on this concept. “The beginning of freedom is the realization that you are not the possessing entity - the thinker. The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated.” He then begins to explain how there is a vast realm of information beyond thought, and all the things that truly matter like beauty, love, and joy, arise from beyond the mind.

Like I have mentioned before, the mind is ultimately a surviving mechanism. In our society, perfection is perceived safety. Naturally, our mind will do anything to embody that perfectionism. If you feel that you do not fit the criteria you might find yourself falling into this cognitive distortion. A lot of us do fall into this since nothing is perfect, meaning we are all ultimately chasing nothing. We must stop regarding this false information given to us through toxic thought patterns as the truth. We must stop letting this false information become our narrative.

I am not saying that practicing mindfulness will eliminate all bad days - I practice mindfulness and evidently continue to struggle at times. I am reminding you, and myself, that these bad thoughts, bad moments, bad days, are not who you are. Amplified thoughts become emotions. This is why dwelling on situations is not helpful because it will energize the thought pattern even more. Having a strong sense of presence is the only way to prevent yourself from allowing emotions to become “you”. This is not possible until you stop deriving your sense of self from the thinker, and give power to your true nature.

When you find yourself in an instance where your thoughts are in control, immediately engage in something else. Read a book, draw, go outside, talk to a friend. You must remember that the thought pattern, or whatever you are going through, is not your life; it is not who you are. Life does not truly begin until we detach ourselves from this incessant mental noise and find mindfulness.

Happy first day of July, love you all, El.